March Madness Called Off

I wrote this to the office NCAA Bracket pool I organize. (I know they're illegal. If you feel that strongly about it, arrest me.) I happen to be in the lead, and as I try to make the points updates entertaining, I came up with the following, which a player and reader of my blog suggested I make public:

Dear March Madness participants,

President Obama believes that competition is hurting America. Because excellence and failure are incompatible with our way of life and that we all owe our national wealth and greatness to redistribution policies—and that the President’s pick to win it all, UNC, will fail miserably once they run into Big East competition—all forms of achievement and competition are hereby banned by executive order.

In response, the NCAA has suspended all competitive play in March Madness after the first round this year. That means—by way of alphabetical supremacy and the fact that, clearly, Pittsburgh would have won it all—I declare myself the winner. The Zachs will receive their second and third place monies—I haven’t decided in which order to place them yet. I may just give it to the players who didn’t fare so well in the tournament because they are so clearly helpless and deserving of other people’s money.

Oh, and please ignore all the basketball games that continue to be shown on television. The NCAA hasn’t told fans yet, but I assure you, the exhibition games you see mean nothing. All the athletes are playing for the love of sport and to make everyone feel like a winner. This also means that the “One Shining Moment” montage of excellence at the end of the tourney will more closely resemble ESPN’s weekly “Not Top 10 Plays” of gaffes, blunders and missed dunks because, well, they tried and that’s what’s important.

You will all be receiving your participation ribbons in the next 4-6 weeks via US Mail.

Sorry to do this to you after the rules were established, but that’s just how America operates now.

Have a good day and thanks for playing!

Jonathan